WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
