I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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