david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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