Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
