I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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