in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
