Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
