I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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