I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
