Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
