Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
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