The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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