He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
