You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
