I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dignity is for republicans.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
