i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
