i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
