ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
