i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
