I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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