I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
