the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
