I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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