She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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