Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
