im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
