We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize