i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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