The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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