Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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