Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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