either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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