My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
