I just cut my nipple shaving
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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