The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
