Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
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So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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