She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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