I cannot find my penis.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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