Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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