I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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