in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
