His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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