hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize