oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
