I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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