Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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