You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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