he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
