chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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