In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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