i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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