Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
