my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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