you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
