he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dicks are not precious.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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