I can text with my tongue
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
