i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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